WallStreetJackass

road trip

4th

off to see the family... back Monday...

Is It NBA Or NFL?

 

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

 

 

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 435 members of the United States Congress! [h/t andrew]

How Californians See America

GraphJam

[h/t MikeP]

miscellany

I'm so proud to be an American right now

still, could be worse

Bear Market or not, hope springs eternal

Paulson - ugly

good news for the long weekend.

why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot at them

Ambiguity?

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY....(as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)   h/t RichL

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF  "ASSTEROIDS"?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

the world through Australia's eyes.

A Kiwi, an Englishman, a South African, & an Aussie went camping together. One night seated around the red warm crackle and glow of the fire they began to out bid each other by telling one another past stories of amazing physical feats to show how extreme each them were.

The Kiwi said "bro I am so fuckin' extreme I once jumped from a plane with no parachute, sky dived free fall until I found a canopy of tree branches to break my fall"

The Englishman said "Golly, That's nothing old chap! I am so extreme I climbed mount Everest in a singlet on a single morning, and when I got to the top I base jumped off the peak and made it back to camp for afternoon tea"

The South African said "I Kant believe it,  that's nothing, I once wrestled a pride of lions nakad on the serenghetti, and then walked for three days in the blazing hot sun to get back to camp"

Despite all the stories and the fact it was his turn with the conch, the Aussie remained silent, quietly stoking the red hot camp fire with his penis....

"Fetch" is not selling out

US elections canceled! (cancelled!)

[this has been around before, but it's entertaining and there's a few more bits added. h/t mum]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you  will learn to spell 'doughnut' with out skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.   Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of  -ize.

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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.< /SPAN>

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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a  Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed  with a cheese grater.

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12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play  rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Ki wis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

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13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high  quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen.

cooling off

Chicago pistol ban

if you make handguns illegal, than only criminals will have handguns.

Central Park wild turkey

Dog was totally disinterested, but for a city-boy like myself this is a novelty.

the opposite of a asset bubble

FT Letters provides us the answer:

Sir, No new word need be developed, at least not in the financial world, since it is quite simply “puddle” Just as with the bubble, where you find out how far it will go only when it bursts, so it is inversely with the puddle – you will find out how deep it is only either when it dries out, or when your foot touches the bottom. Neither of those two tests has been met in either the equity or the housing market.

SCOTUS gun ruling.

from the dissent,

A dissent by Justice John Paul Stevens asserted that the majority "would have us believe that over 200 years ago, the framers made a choice to limit the tools available to elected officials wishing to regulate civilian uses of weapons."

I'm no lawyer, but I've always thought the Constitution was framed around the protection of citizens from official overreach.

additional commentary from the left and the right.

whiskey goggles

this is great (h/t andrew)

this woman claims she knows you

well phrased

"The Republican coalition - composed of the religious right on social issues, radical tax cutters or "supply-siders" on economic issues, and the neoconservatives on foreign policy - has produced only superficial religiosity, record deficits and a failed war" Gary Hart

tough crowd

Nov 2008.

Despite the novelty seal, and the early Jesus endorsement, I'm still rooting for the black guy.