While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man. "
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
This is an actual account as relayed to the paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Well I have been there, ordered chili, asked if it was hot (not too hot they said). Well I thought fire was going to fly out of my mouth.
Judge .. 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge .. 3. Here re the scorecard notes from the event:
Chili ..1 Mike's Maniac Monster Chili
Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili ..2 Austin's Afterburner Chili
Judge .. 1 Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge .. 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. Im not sure what Im
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili ..3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge .. 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. Im getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili ..4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge .. 1 Black bean chili with almost spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind with fresh refills. This 300 lb woman is starting to
look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili ..5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover
Judge .. 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
Chili ..6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge .. 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Judge .. 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili ..7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt
feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, Ill just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili ..8 Big Toms Toenail Curling Chili
Judge .. 1 The perfect ending, this
is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge .. 3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
Judge .. 3 No report.
Ate so much this weekend that my brain is full. Having no thoughts of my own therefore, here are someone else's on a bitter anniversary.
On Sunday the Iraq war will enter its 1,347th day, thus overtaking the US’s involvement in the second world war.
2,885 US deaths, compared with almost 60,000 in Vietnam and more than
300,000 in the second world war, the casualty rate has been relatively
the number of deaths masks the fact that more soldiers are coming home
injured from Iraq than in other campaigns, in part because of improved
body armour and medical technology, says Paul Sullivan, of Veterans for
America. For every 10 soldiers killed in Iraq, another 75 are injured.
Vietnam, by comparison, produced 26 injuries for every 10 deaths.
of the human cost of the war has been kept out of sight, including the
return of the dead given the Bush administration’s ban on the
televising of bodybags.
Campbell, a former naval officer, describes Iraq as a war that is being
“funded by debt on a national credit card that is being financed by
China”. America’s public debt has risen by more than a third to over
$8,000bn (€6,240bn, £4,215bn) since the start of the Bush
administration. China’s foreign reserves, mostly held in US treasury
bonds, are close to $1,000bn.