We'll begin with a
box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not
oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of
moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of
mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not
If the plural of
man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called
pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot,
would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are
teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called
Then one may be
that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be
hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and
also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the
masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis
Let's face it -English is a crazy language. There is no egg
in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England . We take
English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it
And why is it that
writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who
grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run
and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how
can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise
guy are opposites?
You have to marvel
at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it
burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an
alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing,
if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a man below.
"Excuse me, but can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am," he said.
The man below replied: "You are in a
hot air balloon hovering approximately 30ft above the ground. You are
between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees
"You must be a broker."
"I am, but how did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically
correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
"You must be a portfolio manager."
"Yes, I am, but how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are or where
you are going. You have risen to your current position due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to
keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?' And then the fight started... .
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The
husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I
excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... [h/t Dee]