golf oneliners

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
 
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
 
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
 
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
 
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
   
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
 
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

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