A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber. There follows a tense minute of silence. Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: "I tinka my wife caught a glimpse"
Over the past several days, my personal finances have been distorted into a grotesque caricature by the mainstream media, pundits, and other people who can count. I am writing to you to set the record straight by explaining my finances in terms the American people can relate to.
Let's say you bought a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982 for $5,000. A couple of years later, what do you know, you sell that same bottle for $10,000. So you just made a profit of $5,000 through your own hard work. How much of that should you pay to the government? I'd say fifteen percent.
Now let's say you have a fellow mowing the lawn at your 7,000 square foot home in La Jolla, and he turns out to be an illegal. You say, "No way, Jose" (Jose is actually his real name) and send him packing. He doesn't deserve his full paycheck, since he lied to you in Spanish, but it wouldn't be fair to give him nothing, either. So you pay him fifteen percent.
Now let's pretend the United States of America is like one big restaurant. Not a fancy restaurant, mind you, but one that only gets two Michelin stars. And let's say that you order a meal of Beluga caviar, white truffles and gold shavings, washing it down with your favorite beverage, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982. The bill arrives and it's quite a hefty one for a working stiff who only made $375,000 last year in speaking fees. (That's right: minimum wage.) So when it comes to toting up the bill, how much should I tip the waiter, who in case you're having trouble following this metaphor is the IRS? You got it: fifteen percent.
I think I've now shown, using these real-life examples that everyone can relate to, that no one should ever pay more than fifteen percent on their taxes. If you have been paying more than that, you should get rid of your loser accountant pronto. That's another thing I have in common with regular Americans: we like firing people.
So - now that I've laid it out in simple terms that even you can understand, do you agree that you and Mitt Romney have a whale of a lot more in common than you thought? I'll bet you ten grand you do.