A priest is sitting inside the church, when a bloke comes in and asks to be confessed.
"Very well, my child," says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, "Tell me about your sins."
"Well, Father," says the bloke, "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father."
"Don't worry, child," says the priest, "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, so just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins."
"But Father," continues the man, "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father."
"Oh, child," says the Father, "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins."
"But Father," says the bloke again, "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... Again I sinned, Father."
"Good Lord," says the priest, "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-"
"But Father," says the bloke, "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was the maid, and, well.... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father."
The priest falls silent.
"And then," continues the bloke, "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her aunt, and , well... the two of us alone, the house empty..."
The priest still did not answer.
"And on Saturday," said the bloke, "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her grandmother, and, well..."
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.
"Father," he calls, "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!"
"Like fuck I'm coming down," says the priest, "The two of us alone, the church empty... and I don't want you to sin any more."
#######
"Very well, my child," says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, "Tell me about your sins."
"Well, Father," says the bloke, "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father."
"Don't worry, child," says the priest, "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, so just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins."
"But Father," continues the man, "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father."
"Oh, child," says the Father, "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins."
"But Father," says the bloke again, "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... Again I sinned, Father."
"Good Lord," says the priest, "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-"
"But Father," says the bloke, "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was the maid, and, well.... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father."
The priest falls silent.
"And then," continues the bloke, "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her aunt, and , well... the two of us alone, the house empty..."
The priest still did not answer.
"And on Saturday," said the bloke, "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her grandmother, and, well..."
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.
"Father," he calls, "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!"
"Like fuck I'm coming down," says the priest, "The two of us alone, the church empty... and I don't want you to sin any more."
#######
Three
guys in the pub were struggling to settle an argument about who was the
best lover when one suggested he had a sound measuring device and that
they should all take it in turns to record how loud their wives screamed
during sex.
They all agreed, so a week later the group met in the pub to discuss their results over a pint.
"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."
"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and the device measured 98 decibels. Now, what do you say about that?"
"Not bad," the third guy replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels."
"128 decibels?" said the first bloke. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"
"Easy," he replied, "she walked in while I was fucking her sister."
#######
"You worry too much about this God shit," he said. "Always concerned in case you offend the big Pixie In The Sky."They all agreed, so a week later the group met in the pub to discuss their results over a pint.
"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."
"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and the device measured 98 decibels. Now, what do you say about that?"
"Not bad," the third guy replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels."
"128 decibels?" said the first bloke. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"
"Easy," he replied, "she walked in while I was fucking her sister."
#######
"You should do what I do," he said. "Go out and get pissed, get yourself a hot hooker & fuck the tits off her. You'll soon forget all the religious crap."
"That's good advice Father. But can I take it you're a bit disillusioned with taking confession?"
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