WallStreetJackass

Nigeria has weapons of mass destruction

we should occupy the Delta.

A Nigerian national, claiming to be acting on behalf of al-Qaeda, is in custody in Detroit after allegedly attempting to light an incendiary device aboard a Northwest Airlines flight after it landed Friday, federal officials said. A White House official said the indicent was an attempted act of terrorism.

note to African terrorists; explosives better before landing.

internatonal rules of manhood

1)      under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella; unless at rugby, and your beer is getting wet, then, for the drinking period only, it is permissible

2)      it is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master b) after wrecking your boss’s car c) one hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”

3)      any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates

4)      unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours

5)      if you’ve known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you marry her

6)      Moaning about the brand of free beer in the fridge is forbidden. However you can complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable

7)      No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man

chinese food and a movie

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time? she asked.

 Patrick addressed the class, Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

Very nice Patrick, she said. Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?

Well, Ms Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?

Isaac said, Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing "What a friend we have in Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas. [h/t rl]

Tiger Woods holiday poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

 

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

 

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

 

He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

 

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

 

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

 

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

 

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

 

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year!

the natural laws of golf

1)      If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at an earlier age

2)      The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental

3)      Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three

4)      When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again

5)      Any change works for a maximum of three holes – or at a minimum of not at all

6)      No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse

7)      Never try to keep more than 200 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing

8)      When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls

9)      If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there

10)   The less skilled the player the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing

11)   The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors

12)   If it aint broke, try changing your grip

13)   Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie

14)   Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot

15)   A golf match is a test  of your skill against your opponent’s luck

16)   It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8

17)   Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut

18)   Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

19)   It’s not a gimmie if you’re still away

20)   The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course if a straight line that passes directly through the center of a large tree

21)   There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

a good lawyer joke

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-
side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"

[h/t RichL]

southern wisdom

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.  I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried  grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Merry Xmas from the Woods Family

must-watch TV

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I w as wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What’s for dinner Batman?"