* Start off the special day right with McMuffin ! and Shamrock Shake.
* Fill empty shake cup with whiskey and march in parade.
* Leave parade after 10 minutes. Enter favorite Irish bar. 57/64
* Call "Sully" & "Murph" to let them know just how wasted you already are.
* Clap at the wrong times while singing along with "The Wild Rover."
* Aggressively tongue kiss fat drunk girl in between bites of corned beef sandwich! .
* Do "Cabbage Patch" dance over and over until somebody gets the Irish reference.
* Keep your shtick going and bust out your funny "Riverdance" routine.
* Due to exhaustion, pass out in alley behind bar, reappear in bar one hour later completely invigorated.
* Strategically place "Kiss Me I'm Irish" pin on fly. Harass every female within 20-foot radius.
* Instigate a donnybrook.
* Nod your head as friends discuss Shane MacGowan and act like you know who the hell he is.
* Acquire brogue. Pretend you're from Ireland. Fool no one.
* Not bat an eye at the plastered woman holding a 4-month-old in the smoky, crowded bar.
* Hunt down actual Irish person, proceed to bore him to tears with your strikingly limited knowledge of the Emerald Isle, including the mispronounced names of the counties where your great great 57/64grandparents might have lived.
* Thoroughly enjoy every Jim McGreevey joke you hear.
* Spout anti-English sentiments and proclaim your admiration for the boys in "The I.R.S." (you mean I.R.A.).
* Act like bagpipes aren't the worst sound you've ever heard.
* Spill entire pint of Guinness on stranger. Get in fistfight with stranger. Hug stranger. Introduce stranger to everyone as your new best friend.
* Wake up in puddle of puke (not your own) and realize its only 3:00pm. Leave Men's room and continue drinking.
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.
Here are the Stellas for year -- 2013:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.
Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania received 3rd place because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an Okla.Uni. Football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.