WallStreetJackass

golf for the rest of us.

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also see Chapter 8)
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 5 annex- Is it best to beat the caddy with a 8 iron or sand wedge
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the > Water
Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 12 - When to Re-Grip Your Ball Retriever

wise words

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing or hunting instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing or hunting," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing hunting and golf .

new federal golf rules

Major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective September 1,2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes.

Golfers with handicaps: 
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%. 
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees. 
- above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play. 

The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
- handicaps below 10, no entitlements. 
- handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts. 
- handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up. 

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USG A handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

a touching golf story

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Roy asked,

'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,'

Dave explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion Roy said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

golf joke

He left home about 8:30 a.m. to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30. I'll have lunch at the club."
1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story:     "We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands.  She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer.  She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.  I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with.  Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex.  And that is why I am so late getting home."
His wife looked him  in the eye and said "Don't shit me; you played 36 holes, didn't you?" [h/t gm]

10 greatest caddy remarks

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."        Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9  Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."     Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8  Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"      Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7  Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"      Caddy:  "Eventually."

#6  Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."     Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."

#5  Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's toomuch of a distraction."      Caddy:  "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4  Golfer: "How do you like my game?"     Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3  Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?     Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2  Golfer: "This is the worst course I've  ever played on."     Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too  old."    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed  off, sir."

And  the old favorite.....is the one about the Golfer who has been   slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his   long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies, "There's a piece of crap on the end of your club." The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says, "No, the other  end."

the last round of golf

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61,  shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"  "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!

For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed..

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

Some Irish humor

Tiger Woods' new home

3 hole golf course in the backyard...

back

still can't play worth a damn though